In recent weeks, certain cable stations have run marathon airings of a certain movie trilogy about a certain adventurous archaeologist. As a result, I’ve gotten hundreds of hits from people searching for a certain spurious quotation attributed to a certain medieval emperor by the father of said fictional archaeologist.

Ah, but Sitemeter is a cup of wonders: here are other queries that recently drew readers to this site. Because I see my role as essentially that of a public servant, I’ve taken the liberty of answering them.

grendel is the victim of society and its standards
I dream of an America where eating people will be praised as an alternate lifestyle.

keeping long beards looking neat
Come on! Don’t be a victim of society and its standards!

how do you blow a bosun’s whistle
First, make sure your beard is looking neat.

i hear non existing voices
They want you to buy Becoming Charlemagne in paperback.

charlemagne book free download
The voices said buy.

charlemagne god tells him do stuff
To the Carolingian mind, the Almighty was a surly, sub-literate teenager.

dungeons and dragons by t.s. elliott book cover
Like many grad students of my generation, I wrote a kick-ass thesis on “The Love Song of E. Gary Gygax.” In the room the gamers come and go / Talking of the saving throw…

how do you make monster blood
I’m no biologist, but I believe you begin with a monster.

recipe for spaghettios
Heat 1 cup monster blood; add 3/4 oz. unicorn spittle and 1 tsp. baby shrieks (thinly sliced); simmer 20 min. Serves two.

what is the best thing to take to make you run faster
The best thing is monster blood. The second best thing is a bowl of Cookie Crisp.

thoughts that make you run faster
“There’s a bowl of Cookie Crisp at the end of all this.”